I Wanted To Kill Them
by steph45
Summary: To Fall or Not To Fall Book One. "You don't know what it's like to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone you're ashamed of. You don't know what it's like to always see the people you love most and be filled with guilt because you nearly killed them out of pure selfishness." Can you truly change? Can you go from being evil to a good, just King? Edmund is about to find out.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **

This story is inspired by the world and characters of C.S. Lewis. I do not own Narnia, though I wish I did.

Song lyrics included belong to the artists.

**Preface:**

_To Fall Or Not To Fall _is going to be a four-book series. Each story will focus on a different Pevensie and his or her biggest insecurity or temptation. Two of them will be connected, but other than that, it is not necessary to read the stories in order (if you choose to even read more than one). Only one of them will follow everything that happens in the _Narnia_ books.

This is my second story about _The Chronicles of Narnia. _If you read it after reading _Life in Narnian Court: Secrets, Love, and War_, please know that this will be a lot darker. If you enjoy this story, here is a link to my first one: s/9329887/1/Life-in-Narnian-Court-Love-Secrets-and-War

The idea for this story came after I watched _The Voyage of the Dawn Treader _movie, more specifically the scene in which Edmund is tempted on Deathwater Island and fights with Caspian. I thought about how hard it must have been for him to transition into his life as a King while living with his past and not letting his old faults continue to hurt him. I knew then that I needed to write about Edmund's transition.

**Chapter One**

Susan pulled open the door to Edmund's room. She tip-toed in, feeling very guilty. She couldn't dislodge the thought that her brother would open the door, see her looking through his belongings, and get mad at her for violating his privacy.

But this had to be done. Susan needed to know.

"Come on, don't be afraid," she encouraged herself. "He can't find out what you're doing."

Heart beating fast, she looked for something. Finally, she found it under a loose floorboard. She took it out slowly, almost reverentially. She stared at it for a second, unable to decide if she was happy about finding the object that held the answer to the questions that tormented her or afraid of what those answers would be.

Silently, she stood up, replaced the floorboard, and exited the room as quietly as she had entered.

Outside, a young man about Susan's age was waiting for her.

"Did you find it?" he asked. She nodded.

"Good. I'm glad."

"Thank you," she said, smiling slightly.

"I have something else for you." He reached into his pocket. "It might help clear things up."

Susan realized what it was and opened her eyes wide. "I... I can't accept this. It's yours, and I have no right to..."

"I insist," he cut her off. "It's the least I can do."

Susan saw in his eyes a desperation. He needed to so this. She nodded.

She wanted to thank him, but the words got stuck in her throat. He put his hand on her shoulder to show her that he understood.

That evening, Susan didn't sleep. She sat at her desk, reading. And crying.

In the morning, when she had cried her last tear, she slipped out of her room. She made her way through a series of corridors and knocked on a large, intricately carved wooden door. A girl wearing a nightdress opened, rubbing her eyes.

"Yes?"

"Lucy, I have something I need to share with you and Peter."

Ten minutes later, Susan was sitting opposite her siblings.

"I snuck into Ed's room..." she began.

Peter immediately interrupted her. "Why did you do that? It's a complete violation of privacy. You shouldn't have done that."

"We need to understand why this happened." Susan said simply.

The little group was silent for a few minutes. Then Lucy said, "Do it. Tell us what you discovered."

And so Susan started reading a stack of papers she had gone through during the night, the ones that had made her so sad. They had a similar effect on her siblings.

She read the following:

**Edmund's Journal**

Narnian Time April 1, 1000

This is surreal. Just a few hours ago, I was nothing. Now I have been crowned King Edmund the Just. During the entire ceremony, I tried to look prim and majestic, solemn, like Peter, but I couldn't stop from smiling.

After the coronation, there was a ball, and everyone, humans, fauns, centaurs, dwarves, and more, were there. Lucy and Susan both made me dance with them, which I did to please them. It wouldn't do to make Susan angry the day of our coronation.

As the evening drew on, I got tired of the party, so I wandered off into another room. Then, I couldn't help it. I started crying. And I threw my crown at the wall. Since it's such a sturdy piece of metal, it was unharmed. This angered me even more, and I threw it again. And again. I needed to get rid of it. I didn't want it. This crown was staring at me, mocking me, daring me to wear it, when in reality, I don't deserve it. I don't.

I am a traitor. I am scum. I am the lowly sibling who was selfish and wanted to kill for his own personal gain. Then, I realized that the means I was going to use wouldn't lead to the end I wanted. So what did I do? I ran back to those I had betrayed.

Would I have gone back if the Witch had kept pretending to be willing to make me King? I can't answer that question for sure, but my instinct is to say no. The bullying in school had made me vicious, and I couldn't stand being less good than Peter. I am proud, too proud.

But what bugs me is that I will never know. As Aslan says, "You can never know what would have happened." And for that reason, I don't see what claim I have to the throne of Narnia. I am just some bratty kid who was born into the right family. But I'm not like them. I can't accept the crown. But I'm too selfish, too proud, to refuse it. I should have. I should have told Aslan to find someone else to be the fourth ruler.

I heard the door creak open and Susan popped her head it. "Everything alright?" she asked.

I didn't answer.

She saw the crown lying on the floor and picked it up. "You probably want this back," she said simply.

I shook my head. "Take it. Lock it up. Burn it. I don't care. Just don't let me have it."

"Why not?" she asked calmly.

"Because I don't deserve it! You know what I did! You know who I am! You can't possibly believe that I'm fit to be a King!" I was angry at her now, for being so calm, so collected, so rational, while I wanted to break something.

"That's not true," she replied softly.

"And why not?" I yelled. "Look at me. I'm a mess. I'm just some idiot who doesn't deserve to be alive, let alone to be forgiven and a King."

Now she was worried. "No, Ed, that's not true. You shouldn't feel that way."

"Give me a reason why I shouldn't."

"Everyone makes mistakes. That's a fact of life, and if you don't accept that, there's your biggest problem. Some people make small mistakes, ones that maybe even go unnoticed. That doesn't make it any less of an error. It just means that you are the only one who can motivate yourself to make amends. Others make big mistakes that affect themselves or other people greatly."

"That's me," I said sourly.

"True, you are in the second category. But that's not what's important. What's important is which category you are in for how you _deal_ with the mistake. Some people ignore their mistake and will keep making similar ones, which is especially easy to do if you make small mistakes and no one really notices or judges you for it. Others realize what they've done and want to stop. They look for a way to fix their error. This can be especially difficult for those who made a big mistake whose damage may be irreparable. But your character is determined by how hard you try to make up for the error and never do the same thing again. I know you will never turn against us."

"But how do I make up for it?"

"How you do that and when you have succeeded is entirely personal. After all, an error is personal. It's about you. Whatever good act or sacrifice that you think is enough to repay for your sin is enough. It doesn't matter what others think you should do. I personally think that sacrificing yourself in the war is penance enough, but the way you tried to mutilate your crown shows me that you disagree. So go do whatever you have to. Once you are confident that you have done what you must, people will forgive you."

"How can you be sure that they will?"

"People judge, and that's a fact. You will get negative comments from time to time. But if you have forgiven yourself and have put the matter behind you, so will they. You just need to be confident about your good character and they will agree. It is only if you doubt yourself and let on that you are afraid of your past that they could judge you negatively for it."

"Speaking of that, I do have a concern," I said.

"Yes?"

"Aslan said, 'there is no need to speak about what is past.' But I don't think I can ever forget about her and what I did with her."

"That's not what Aslan meant. He meant that we should not try to make you pay or punish you. Probably because he knows you will make amends yourself. But he doesn't expect you to forget. That would defeat the point. You are supposed to learn from mistakes and become a better person as a result. You need to accept your past and be at peace with it, but you should never forget it."

"Thanks… I guess I may be able to forgive myself," I told her. The truth was, I did really think that what she said made sense and I was less angry as a result. "But I am still unsure about becoming a King."

"I have faith in you. So do Peter and Lucy. So does Aslan. I know you have grown and matured in the past few days. You will be a good leader. After all, you are now King Edmund the Just. And you are Just because you know what it is like to sin and repent. In any case, you won't have to do it alone. You have us. We are a family, and we'll always stick together from now on. Never forget that."

"Thank you Susan," I said, and I hugged her, as tears of joy came into my eyes.

"I love you Ed," she answered. She then handed me my crown. "You managed to dent it here." Indeed, there was a small dent, just a bit to the right of center. "It isn't noticeable to anyone standing at a distance, but you will always know it's there. It will be a reminder for you, and when you see it, you will remember not only this conversation but also the lessons you learned from siding with the Witch."

I smiled. "So it is a physical representation of my sin."

She frowned. "I suppose so. But as you can see, it doesn't stop you from being King."

"I see that." The weight on my shoulders had been lifted. I knew it would come back later, but at that moment, I was ready to rejoin the party. "Come on, Su, the party is still going on." We left the room holding hands.

Now I'm in a huge and lavishly decorated room in Cair Paravel. MY room. I am exhausted, so I'm going to get to bed. Oreius said it's important to get a good night's sleep, because tomorrow we'll have a lot of work.

**Jack's Diary**

April 2, 1000

I just heard from my father about the new Kings and Queens. They came, just as the legend said, to free us from the Witch. Father was at Cair Paravel for the coronation, and he said that they did look royal and majestic. He also said that he heard rumors about King Edmund, that he is a traitor and tried to ally with the Witch to kill his family, but when he failed, he came crying back and they were too kind to refuse him. My mother was stunned when she heard this. She said that a traitor should not run our country. Father, however, disagrees. He says that he doesn't believe the rumors because Aslan wouldn't make a traitor a King. Apparently, not many people agree with him. All the neighbors are angry about this new King, and some say he will be no better than the White Witch.

I don't know what to believe, but I do know that I am intrigued. I want to learn more about this King. I will go to Cair Paravel by horse and see what all the commotion is about. Mother won't like it, so I will have to sneak away… Well, Mother can't control my life. I've always wanted something more than to be a poor farm boy. At Cair Paravel, I will have a chance to make something of my life.

Goodbye, home. Hello, new life.

**Edmund's Journal**

April 5, 1000

Phew. I learned that being King is not just fun and parties. Today we had to choose the members of the Council. It is apparently a tradition that the monarchs are helped by a group of a dozen men and women, all humans, who come from all parts of Narnia. Well, during the Witch's reign, the humans all moved to the Southern Border, near Archenland, so they could escape if the Witch. So they all arrived, at Cair Paravel this morning, saying they would like to be in Council and since they were going to move, they were willing to live in any section of Narnia we want to put them in. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed. So were the others. It was Susan who solved the problem by asking everyone to answer a few questions on a sheet of paper. She also stated that only one member of a family may apply. This let us sort through a somewhat reasonable amount of applications during the afternoon to find our twelve choices.

I don't really like saying this, but… I feel like the people don't like me. All throughout the day, many tried to plead their case in front of Peter. Then there are some who went to Susan, hoping that the Gentle Queen would favor them in the decision process. Some even went to Lucy. But very few came to me.

I was going to tell Susan, but she would have brushed it away and called me paranoid. And maybe I am. But that doesn't mean that it's not true. After all, everyone has heard that I'm a traitor. Why would they now pledge allegiance to me and respect me?

Oh dear, why did I have to side with the Witch? Okay, I know why. Because I hated Peter and I wanted to be better than him. I didn't like Lucy because Peter and Susan always protected her and yelled at me. And I disliked Susan because she was always cynical and spoke to me harshly when I didn't get along with Peter. But she never told Peter that he was wrong. No, only me.

Anyways, that's all in the past. I do love them, but I guess I didn't realize just how much I need them until I nearly lost them. Until I nearly killed them.

**A/N:** Thank you for reading this chapter! I hope you liked it, and if you do please review, follow, or favorite.

A few important things to know: Jack is a farm boy who may seem insignificant now but will become important later. The story will be pretty much all diary excerpts, since that is what Susan is reading to her siblings.

Also, for each chapter, I will post a quote from a song (always by a male artist since this is Edmund's voice) that gives a hint about what will happen in the next chapter. In reviews, you can tell me your ideas about what it means as well as your thoughts on what you just read. The Quote Hint for Chapter Two is:

"Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before" - Will Martin, "Into the West"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**A/N:** Thank you for reading on! Enjoy this chapter.

**Edmund's Journal**

April 9, 1000

Today was the first Council meeting. It was a nightmare.

First, I couldn't find my only belt, so I was late getting out of my room. As soon as I walked in, twelve pairs of eyes followed me, assessing me. I had to walk across the entire room to get to my seat next to Susan, and not one Council member met my eye.

Second, when I voiced my opinions, they either looked at me coolly, rolled their eyes, or lowered their face to hide their smirk. I wanted to scream at them "What did I ever do to you?" But that much is obvious. They think I'm an awful person because I abandoned my family. I get it. But I realized I was wrong. Now I'm back on the good side. How do I make them see that?Third, after the meeting, one member said to Peter, "Thank you, Your Majesty, for all the work you are putting into making Narnia right. And thank you, my lovely Queens," he added to Susan and Lucy. That felt like a slap in the face.

At lunch, Susan announced that she was inviting all the inhabitants of the city of Cair Paravel (which is just at the bottom of the hill the castle is on) to a ball next month. Lucy got excited, of course, but I couldn't act excited. Not when this was another opportunity to see that the people hate me because I am a traitor. Gosh, Susan would be mad at me for saying that. But this is my diary, not something she'll ever read. And I haven't forgiven myself.

May 22, 1000

Well, I went to that ball. It was exactly what I expected. Everyone surrounded Peter to congratulate him on defeating the Witch. They seem to think that he was the only one fighting that day. Or at least the only one who did anything worthwhile. That hurt me, but I tried not to show it.

Also, the young men swarmed Susan. They all asked her to dance with them, and they wouldn't leave her around. Is she even good-looking? I don't know. I have never asked myself the question. Susan has always been pious and composed, and I have only thought of her as my sister, not as anyone that boys would like… well, I guess that is changing.

And the young women? A few approached Peter, and he was very nice to them, which made them blush and giggle. But mostly they stuck around Susan and Lucy. Within an hour of our their arrival, these girls were laughing and gossiping with my sisters as if they had been best friends for years. Needless to say, I will have to see them around the castle a lot.

Me, I stayed on the side mostly. I observed those around me. They all looked happy. They are expecting great things from us. Or rather, from my siblings.

Since I didn't really speak to many people, I had plenty of time to think. I decided that the only way for the people to accept me is to work as hard as I can, harder than any of my siblings, to prove myself to them. I know it will be hard, but I know I will be able to do a lot more than Peter, Lucy, or even Susan because I need to. It's as simple as that. I don't think I can make anyone like me when they are still judging me as a traitor, but I can try to make them respect me. That is my goal.

But can I succeed?

**Jack's Diary**

June 19, 1000

Well, it looks like my plan to leave must be delayed. My mother is sick. She cannot even get out of bed. This is bad for two reasons. First, it would break her heart if I left her. Who knows, she might get worse… that's something I wouldn't be able to stand. Second, I now need to help my dad more. We usually only do the farming while my mom takes care of the house. But now, we take turns cooking and cleaning. It's tough.

Today, I was able to take a day off. It was too hot to do any farm work, my dad said, and once I finished my house chores, I asked for permission to go into town. My dad agreed and even gave me his horse to use. It was a relatively short ride, just over an hour, and it was nice to be in the company of more people than just my family. The town is very small, just a few hundred people, and the majority of them were in the bar that day. I went in to join them. They were discussing the new monarchs.

"They are all good people and I know they will try, but they're just children. They don't really know what they're doing."

"And they're outsiders. They got to Narnia just a few weeks ago."

"Plus, there's that kid, Edmund, who betrayed his family. He's a bad one, that boy, and now that he's been given power who knows what he'll do."

"Shhh. You can't talk about your King that way. King Edmund deserves more respect."

A loud clamor of protest erupted. "Respect! He doesn't deserve it. You're crazy! He's a traitor. He deserves to die."

I felt the need to pipe up. "Why can't you just give him a chance? You don't know if he'll be a good King until you give him a chance."

"You can't understand, you're just a child," said a big man with a scoff. "The boy will cause Narnia nothing but trouble. Mark my words, boy. Trouble."

I left the bar after that and rode back home. I was infuriated at these people who judged without knowing. And it made me all the more determined to leave as soon as I could.

**Edmund's Journal**

July 3, 1000

This past week has been exhausting. I have gone from one task to another, without rest. Actually, speaking of no rest, I have barely slept. Not because of work, Susan always makes sure we have enough hours to sleep, but I don't. There are two reasons for this. First, I can't fall asleep. I toss and turn in my bed but I never manage to drift away into sleep. Whenever I get to comfortable, a pain arises in my stomach, right where the Witch stabbed me. I still have a small scar there, which Lucy's cordial couldn't fully remove. I think both the scar and the pain are there to remind me of what I am capable of and the terrible things I've done. They are a warning to me, that I must never let myself go and act this way again.

The other reason is my nightmares. When I do eventually fall asleep, it's never for long. The Witch visits me in my dreams, laughs at me, tells me that I am doing a good job pretending, but that I can never run from who I really am: a traitor. She says that one day I will come back to her. Then I see and hear our first meeting, my entry to her castle, when she turned the fox to stone, and when she stabbed me. Those smooth words that were meant to keep me in her grip now frighten me, and I wake up sweating after these nightmares, but even then, her voice still rings through my head.

"I can do anything you like."

"You are exactly the sort of boy who I could see, one day, becoming Prince of Narnia. Maybe even King."

"You're here because _he_ turned you in. For sweeties."

"Think about what side you're on, Edmund. Mine, or theirs."

"His blood is my property. That boy will die on the stone table. As is tradition."

I spend most of my nights staring at the ceiling or out my window at the ocean. The ocean always calms me down. It is mesmerizing how it just goes in a circle, with wave after wave after wave… while the tide gently comes in or out. And the music of the water is deep and beautiful, and it makes the hours of the night pass a little quicker and more enjoyably. I think about my actions during those nights, and I imagine a thousand different scenarios for any of the times I was with the Witch. I could've said this differently, done this, listened closer when she said that and realized I don't want to be mixed up in this side… there are countless ways to avoid what happened. But I had to follow the bad path. I guess sleepless nights are a pretty small price to pay.

The only scene I never change and never will change is my duel with the Witch. I surprised her by attacking her, I know that much. And breaking her wand was the best thing I could have hoped for. I knew I wasn't strong enough or good enough to kill her. And her stabbing me… my siblings expect that I would have wanted to avoid that. Peter has said to me "I'm sorry you got stabbed," many times. But they don't get it.

I am glad I got injured. The Witch had hurt everyone else in my family. But I had been on her side. By hurting me, she showed that I was the enemy. Also, I thought it started to make up for what I did to my siblings.

But most importantly, I didn't care if I survived the battle. I knew it was my fault that this battle started. So the most important thing was that we win. And I had to contribute to that however I could. Then, living on was the least of my priorities. I mean, life is nice and all, but I guess that in the heat of the battle, I didn't see any promise in it. At least if I died, it would have been honorable.

But I'm getting off topic. I was talking about this past week. Peter decided to split up the tasks of governing the kingdom. Mine is foreign affairs. His is protection. Susan is domestic affairs. And Lucy is in charge of communications with citizens. Also, we are all part of a court that makes judgments on different cases, and since I am "King Edmund the Just," I have a greater voice than the others. It is in court that I made my first efforts to show that I am a good person. I heard everyone's case fully and tried to be understanding, letting everyone explain themselves fully. I actually do a pretty good job. Peter and Susan are too harsh, and Lucy would just let anyone go free. However, there was one woman who was obviously not impressed with my performance.

Her name was Veronica. She had been accused of stealing animals from her neighbors. I honestly believe that she was guilty. She had no proof to explain how she got so many cattle, and her neighbor had kept diligent records of his animals. So I condemned her. When she heard this, she threw a fit and ran down the aisle (quite fast for an old woman, I might add) and punched me. She would have done worse if two guards had not ripped her off of me.

"You are nothing more than a malicious, hypocritical traitor," she yelled. "You aren't worthy to make judgment on my life."

"Stop it, Madam," interrupted Lucy. "Narnian law grants everyone a trial, and my siblings and I came to a unanimous decision concerning you. There is no reason for you to blame King Edmund for your misery. You shouldn't have stolen in the first place."

"I am a well-respected member of Narnian society. I will make sure that everyone who knows me is told about how you put me in prison unfairly. Then you'll pay for this."

"Guards, take her away," ordered Lucy, unperturbed by the threat.

That evening, Lucy came into my room. I had been looking out the window at the vast and beautiful sea.

"Edmund, you aren't going to believe what Veronica said about you, are you?"

She looked so genuinely worried that I couldn't tell her the truth.

"Of course not. She was a lunatic. Don't worry about it, Lu."

Then I grinned at her nonchalantly. Oh, it felt terrible lying to her. I was worried.

I had looked into Veronica. Turns out, she was extremely popular in Northern Narnia. She took care of orphans, taught children to read, and was very generous with her money. If she told people I threw her in jail unfairly, I would become even more unpopular. I don't know if I'll be able to stand it.

**A/N:** Do you think Edmund will succeed in getting people's respect through hard work? Do you think his nightmares will ever stop?

Previous Quote Hint Explanation: Reminder, the quote was "Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before." In his sleep, Edmund would have nightmares, about the Witch, the ruler "who came before" him. But does the word "dream" fit, despite its positive connotation? I guess that's a question for a later chapter.

Quote Hint for Chapter Three: "Losing what was found, a world so hollow / Suspended in a compromise" - Trading Yesterday, "Shattered"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**A/N:** This chapter has a lot of important things happening. The first entry is based on a quote in chapter eleven of the book and follows the book plot, unlike the majority of this story. The second and third entries are a huge step in Edmund's journey. Enjoy!

**Edmund's Journal**

August 17, 1000

This morning I woke up early to another nightmare. This is one of the most common ones I get, and one of the most frightening.

I see the Witch turn the animals from the little tea into stone. For seeing Father Christmas. For celebrating something good that finally happened to them.

Why did she even come across them? Because I told her where to go to follow my siblings. I led her there. And they were punished.

"Say you have been lying and you shall even now be forgiven." But they would not. Their character was far greater than mine in the exact same situation, when I told the Witch where my siblings were and that Aslan was with them.

"Let that teach you to ask favour for spies and traitors." I was the spy. I was the traitor. Why did I not realize then that she cared for me as little as she did them? Why did I not run? It would have been better to be turned to stone than to continue on her side when she made no efforts to mask her true evil.

That moment… it was also the one in which I realized the extent of what I had done. My silliness affected not only me, but also others. And I had brought this about myself. I had seen myself as the victim when that wasn't the case. Now I realized who the victims really were.

I needed to know what had happened to them. So I went to Peter and asked for a day off, saying I felt under the weather. I had never asked for any special treatment before, so he agreed. I felt awful leaving my country and my work behind, but I felt selfish, and I needed to do one thing for myself.

I took my horse and rode to where the Witch's castle used to be. Cold chills ran through me the second I saw the white towers between the two hills. I did not go near the castle, but rather I took a trial leading away from it. This was the path I had once taken with the Witch in pursuit of my family. I made my way along it, hesitating at each intersection, trying to recognize or remember anything which would help me find the tea spot once again. I got lost, but in the end, I got to where I wanted.

I recognized the little house at once. Even the table that the group had been eating was still there. I knocked on the door politely. No one answered. I walked around the house, trying to peer in windows. There was furniture in the house, but no sign that anyone was there at the moment. As I pondered what to do, I heard a voice behind me.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" A badger was coming toward me.

"I… I wanted to speak to the family of squirrels who lives here. Do you know them?"

"The squirrels? They moved away a few months ago. This is now my home."

"Why did they move?" I asked. "Where did they go?"

"Listen, son, I don't know why you're here asking these questions. Tell me why I should answer you?"

"I heard that they met Father Christmas last year. I wanted to know what he's like and what he gave them. Forgive me, but I'm merely curious."

"Why don't you come in?" the badger said.

He and I sat in two chairs by the fireplace. "Now, I know your intentions are good, but I cannot send you to see the squirrel family. They are… well, let's just say they don't talk about Father Christmas anymore."

"Why not?" I wondered, confused.

"They know that the White Witch still has followers. They see themselves as targets. They had to change their name and pretend that they are not those whom the Witch once turned to stone."

"Why do they think they are targets?"

"Because the Witch's followers believe that the events that happened here changed everything," he said, motioning to the table outside. "They say that when the Son of Adam saw real creatures be turned to stone, he changed his mind about siding with the Witch. They say that after this, he didn't cooperate with her and joined forces with Aslan. If he hadn't, the Witch would have killed Aslan."

"Do they believe that's true?"

"They don't know. All they know is they say the young Edmund stand up to the Witch."

"Well, if you see them, please tell them that it's true. The boy would never have snapped to his senses if it hadn't been for this event."

"You seem very sure of this."

"Oh, I am."

"In any case, they were quite unhappy about having to move," said the badger. "This had been their family home for over two hundred years. Now they don't feel right where they are."

I felt awful. I had unintentionally forced an innocent family to completely change their lives. "I'm sorry for them," I said.

"Oh, it's not your fault," said the badger.

I wanted to say, "You know nothing about me. It IS my fault." But I stayed silent.

"I hope one day they will be able to move back here," continued the badger. "But that would only be if all traces of the Witch's followers are gone. No one can think badly of them or they will be uneasy."

"Do they blame King Edmund for this happening to them?"

"Yes. They are bitter about it. They have seen that he is a good King, but still… they wish that it didn't have to happen this way."

"I understand. Can you also tell them I know the King must be very sorry to have caused them any trouble at all."

"I will. Thank you for visiting."

As I rode back toward Cair Paravel, I decided to go back to the Witch's castle. This time, I went in the main gates and crossed the courtyard. I left my horse in the courtyard, next to the entrance doors. Then I pushed the large door open. It was heavier than I expected, and it took a long time for me to open it enough to slip in. I walked through the large halls and entered the throne room. The floor was covered with nearly a foot of standing water from all the melted ice which had once been solid along the walls and ceiling.

I waded through the water to approach the throne. It was obvious that this had been preserved by magic, for it was solid ice yet had remained intact. Then, I unsheathed my sword and stood just inches away from the throne that I once longed to sit on.

I raised the sword and slammed it into the throne. I then repeated this motion countless times, breaking off a few shards of ice each time. When I was done, there was only a pile of ice pieces where that beautiful yet scary throne had stood. The pieces were already beginning to melt. I looked down at them and spoke, directing my words to the Witch even though she couldn't hear me.

"I hate you for what you've done. You destroyed my life. You tempted me, and you knew exactly how to make me fall, how to make me betray them. But mostly, I hate you because I cannot fully blame you. As evil as you are, it's not your fault. None of it is. It is all me. I bear the burden of my actions, and you were just the one who enabled me and now you are the reminder of my failure. Stop appearing in my nightmares. Stop haunting me. Stop showing me what an awful person I am. I hate you because you are who I was."

After getting these thoughts off my chest, I ran back to my horse and rode to Cair Paravel. I made a vow that I would never set foot in the castle again.

January 24, 1001

I think it started a few weeks after the incident with Veronica. I was just so tired of everything that happened in Cair Paravel. I just wanted to talk about it with someone. So I dressed in a servant's clothes, with a hood half blocking my face, and went into Cair Paravel City. I looked at all the shops they had and saw one that caught my eye: Sir Jacobs. Therapist. I was hesitant to go in, but I knew I needed this.

The room was small and plain. There were no windows, only three chairs along the walls, but no one was there. Opposite them was a desk. Finally, in the back of the room was a door. I walked to the door and knocked. A man came out. "Yes?"

"Hello Sir," I said. "I have some questions for you."

He looked at me intently. "You want to become a patient?"

"Yes Sir," I answered.

"Alright. What do you want to know?"

"What is your policy on confidentiality?"

"Oh, that's simple. I would never betray someone's trust. People often don't want to advertise that they need me and that's fine. I have had both a husband and wife come here, though neither told the other. I have had a patient come at midnight because he did not want to be seen in town. Why, even if the King of Narnia came to me, I wouldn't tell a soul."

I laughed. "It's funny you should say that." And I lowered the hood.

"Goodness me! King Edmund! Come in!" He ushered me into the second room, which was barely larger than the first but was well lit and had two comfortable armchairs in it. A clipboard lay on one of them. Sir Jacobs went to that one and motioned for me to sit in the other one. "What can I do for you, Your Majesty?" he asked.

I told him all about my issues. He listened very well and offered me good advice. I went to him once or twice a month, always as a servant, for the next few months, until just yesterday. That was when he told me that I no longer needed him.

I cannot possibly write every piece of advice he gave me or all the wise words he said. But here is the general idea of what he told me.

Apparently my family was crippled, suffering from a lack of communication. Peter wanted to control us, but he wanted to control a perfect family. So he got angry when we messed up and was unwilling to admit that he led anything other than a model family.

Susan wanted to be the moderator, who handled all issues and kept the balance. She knew Peter and I had problems but she thought she was properly keeping us in harmony. Did she talk to Mother about it because things were getting worse? No, because why would she admit to doing things badly.

Lucy was just a child, and she is perhaps the least guilty. But she idolized Peter, which increased his supposed superiority, and helped create the image of correctness and perfection in our family. And we were all jealous of her, of how good she was, that it created more bad blood between us.

And me? I was the immature child who wanted to stop being treated like one. I was silly and naive but I wanted my family to stop babying me and start treating me as their equal. I made their lives harder and annoyed them, causing even more tension rather than letting my siblings indulge in their fancies.

So what Sir Jacobs told me was that our messed up family was bound to deteriorate more and more. A climax to this was inevitable, some event that would either break our family forever or allow us to change and be more considerate, more social, and live together understanding each other a little more. It is the true essence of the family, which is either pure or tainted, which decides the outcome. It turned out we were pure.

And why was it me who cracked? Because I was the most poisoned. I was the one who honestly thought I hated my siblings. I was the one who was most easily tempted by power. I acted with emotion when provoked by the Witch, but if I had been mature, I would've thought it over and realized that I didn't really want to get rid of my family.

Now, Sir Jacobs says that we have mended. Peter accepts my opinions and my power. Susan doesn't try to sugarcoat things and is more realistic about her abilities and responsibilities. And I love them all deeply. I know I will never betray them again.

He says I have trouble forgiving myself, which is natural, but I need to get to that point of acceptance. He re-iterated what Susan said on our coronation night. And he said yesterday that he has faith in me. He knows I am stronger than my guilt. He said that he has nothing more to teach me and that if I ever want to speak to him again, I can. His door is always open, but he doesn't think I'll need it.

I realized that he was right about me. I acted purely out of emotion and I will never do that again. That's why I am so quiet now. I think before speaking and I let my brain control me, not my heart. Still, doing this all the time is tough, and I guess that's why I haven't really made friends. I just don't have the time or the patience to entertain someone else and create a friendship. I prefer staying among books and manuscripts. At least with them I know where I am.

Also, I am still on my mission to be just, to work hard to make up for everything I did wrong. That's why I spend many more hours at work than anyone else, and I have far more responsibilities than my siblings.

I think that the combination of my mission and Sir Jacobs' advice has helped me forgive myself. My nightmares have stopped. I don't feel guilty when I see my siblings or when the Witch is mentioned. I am in a good place.

April 1, 1001

Today is exactly one year after our coronation. Susan wanted to make a huge party to celebrate, but Lucy and Peter preferred to have a quiet dinner. Unfortunately, in the afternoon, a crowd came up to the gates of Cair Paravel. They explained to us that a street fair had been set up in our honor in Cair Paravel City. Of course we had to go.

During the fair, a theater group consisting of young humans, fauns, dwarves, dryads, and talking animals put on a play to reenact our arrival in Narnia and the battle with the Witch. Seeing, as a spectator, someone do the things that I did made me sick. I was filled with a hatred for this character who was so profoundly evil. Yet the character is me. That is difficult for me to wrap my mind around. So by the end of the evening, I was sad, angry, and remorseful once again. All the progress I had made was gone.

When I got back, I went to my room immediately. Peter must have realized I would be distressed, because he followed me.

"You OK, Edmund?" he asked.

"What do you think?" I replied drily.

"Listen, I know it's hard for you…"

"You have no idea!" I exploded. "You and everyone else, you act like you know what I've had to go through, but the truth is you don't! You don't know what it's like to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone you're ashamed of. You don't know what it's like to always see the people you love most and be filled with guilt because you nearly killed them out of pure selfishness. You don't know what it's like to see a look of pure hate in the eyes of most people you meet because they know your past. And I know I brought this upon myself so I should just live with it but sometimes I can't, and this is one of those times."

Peter was silent as he pondered this. "You're right. I can't even imagine the damage that was done to you. But I do have two things to say. First, I think you're very brave. I mean, in a full year, you've only broken down twice. I don't know if I could have that psychological self-control."

I smiled wryly at that. Peter had no idea all the nightmares I'd had, all the crying I'd done. But that wasn't something I was about to change.

"Second, even though you made mistakes in the past, you have grown up and matured so much. To me, you aren't the same person who betrayed me one year ago. You are a better version of my brother."

Coming from Peter, that actually meant a lot to me. "Thanks Peter."

In some families, after an exchange like this, the two siblings would hug. But Peter and I just stood there awkwardly, looking at each other. On second thought, I can't think of any other siblings who would talk about nearly killing each other and be perfectly serious.

"Well… Goodnight," said Peter, eventually.

"Goodnight."

When he left, I thought about the night once more, and I already felt… I don't know how to say this… not better, but less affected. As if within an hour or so I had been able to numb the pain. I was relieved about this. I didn't want to keep living with the pain I felt during those first few months. Maybe Peter was right. Maybe I am strong enough to ignore my pain.

**A/N:** I think the situation in this chapter could describe how Edmund feels throughout the rest of the Chronicles of Narnia series. He forgave himself his errors but still feels pain and guilt sometimes. To me, that's natural, and if he didn't feel these I would think less of him, for that would make him someone who doesn't care about things he did wrong in the past.

The quote that inspired the first entry was "Edmund for the first time in this story felt sorry for someone besides himself." I realized how important that moment was. And I wanted to show that certain characters we saw in the book could have been negatively affected by his actions.

Previous Quote Hint Explanation: Reminder, the quote was "Losing what was found, a world so hollow / Suspended in a compromise." Obviously, Edmund found some stability, some contentment, some acceptance by talking to his therapist, but then lost it during that tough night he had on his one year coronation anniversary. And the compromise is, to me, ignoring his pain and putting on a face. It reassures others but if he does start hurting again it is bad to hold back your emotions.

Quote Hint for Chapter Four: "You are there when I most need you / You are there so constantly / You come shining through / You always do / You are always there for me" - Canadian Tenors, "Always There"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**A/N:** This chapter has one of the three most important scenes to the story. Enjoy!

**Jack's Diary**

September 22, 1001

I wanted to leave earlier. I really did. But my mom got sick, and I couldn't just leave her alone. So I waited until she was symptom free for a few weeks, then I started my journey. I spent nearly 2 weeks travelling by foot, but I finally made it to Cair Paravel. Why, what a sight it was! Seeing the huge palace on top of the hill, with the sea glistening in the background, nearly inviting me to keep going and finish my journey because everything would be OK in Cair Paravel. I broke into a sprint and covered the last mile of my journey faster than I would have dreamed possible. At the gate of the castle, I stopped.

I hadn't thought this through. My plan was to meet the Kings and Queens, but I couldn't even get in the castle. As I tried to come up with a solution to my problem (I should say a reasonable solution. I came up with dozens of crazy plans, including impersonating the King), a carriage pulled up to the door. The gate opened for it, as if by magic, and I saw an opportunity.

Quickly, before the gate closed, I dashed in and hid in the bushes on the outside edges of the main path. I smiled. I was in Cair Paravel. As I looked around, I saw that there was a lot of noise coming from the illuminated palace… And were those tables in front of the main entrance? I cautiously approached the door, and when I saw the mass of people wearing fancy clothes talking, eating, and laughing, I realized there was a ball going on. Perfect.

I left the security of the bushes and approached the party, trying to walk as if I belonged there. I stood straight and proud, like the rich Lord who lived on a mansion near my hometown. Fortunately, no one gave me a second glance. After stalling around for a few minutes, looking for the monarchs, I was puzzled. Nobody was dressed more lavishly than the others, and nobody wore a crown. There was no crowd around a single person.

I decided to ask someone for help. A young woman was meandering quietly through the garden, not talking to anyone. I approached her.

"Good evening, Miss." She turned around, surprised.

"Why hello." She was evidently uncomfortable, so I wasted no time.

"I was wondering if you knew where the Kings and Queens are. I was really looking forward to meeting them."

She looked around. "Yes, King Peter and Queen Lucy are just over there." She pointed to two people in a group of six or eight. I was amazed. They looked like normal teenagers! Well, overly dressed teenagers, but there was no air of majesty around them. I knew then that I didn't believe any negatives about them, and that I would do anything to serve them or help them.

"I'll introduce you to them," said the girl. (I must admit, I had forgotten she was there. But I was grateful for her help.)

She led me through the crowd to the monarchs. "Your Majesties, I would like to introduce to you a young man who has been longing to see you."

Then they looked at me. I felt as if they accepted and liked me, and there was no place I would rather have been at that moment.

"Good evening, Sir," said King Peter. (I can't believe that the first person to ever call me "Sir" is the High King of Narnia!) "Do tell us, what is your name?"

I didn't know if I should give my real name. My mind said no, but my heart didn't want to lie to these people. My heart won.

"I'm Jack Hayward." What kind of a name is Jack? It sounds like a peasant's name. And HAYward. That screams poor. Then again, I guess I am a peasant.

"Well, I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Hayward." Then the King shook my hand. I was stunned and pleased. I cannot describe the delight of having one of my idols shake my hand.

I had heard that it was considered gallant to kiss a lady's hand, so I approached the Queen and bowed. I took her hand and lightly pressed my lips to it. "I am… honored to meet you, Your Honor," I stammered. (Honored, Your Honor. What was I thinking?)

Next thing I knew, I was making small talk with two of my rulers. I told them that I had left my farm home and come here to see them. Then, we talked about politics, and the King was genuinely interested in what I had to say. We stayed together for a good half hour, until a valet came out to announce: "Dinner is served."

I knew that I couldn't get in, so I excused myself. Queen Lucy seemed sad to see me go. She called to her side the girl I had talked to when I first arrived. They whispered to each other, then the girl came over to me.

"Sir, do you have a job?" she asked.

"No, Miss," I answered, surprised.

"Wait here just a minute."

She disappeared and returned shortly with another lavishly dressed young man a few years younger than myself.

"Hello, Sir," he said. "I am King Edmund."

I was stunned and bowed awkwardly before him. "Your Majesty…"

"I hear that you wish to stay in the area, but you have no employment."

"Yes Sir."

"Well, I am in need of a butler. If you are interested, the job is yours."

I couldn't believe it. I was being offered to work for KING EDMUND.

"I… I would be delighted."

Those four words marked the complete reversal of my life.

**Edmund's Journal**

September 23, 1001

So I now have a butler. My brother had been telling me that I need one. But I was able to put it off for a little bit. However, when my sister Lucy's maid Miss Julia came over and told me that my siblings had found the man who could be my butler, I knew I couldn't put it off any more. I let her bring me over to the man, hoping that he wouldn't hate me.

I was pleasantly surprised. He seemed genuinely happy to work for me. He just came here from the countryside, and from my brief conversation with him I gathered that he has no negative feelings toward any member of my family because "Aslan wouldn't let bad people rule us." (What then was the Witch?)

He moved into small rooms next to mine. It was odd for me to start giving him orders. Never have I had complete control of someone. But after a few weeks, we settled into the following routine:

He wakes me up at seven o'clock so I have enough time to get ready for my morning meeting. I eat breakfast with my siblings and he eats in the kitchen with the other personal maids and butlers (my brother has a butler and my sisters each have two maids). Then is the daily council meeting. Either Mr. Hayward or my brother's butler takes notes during this time. In late morning, I have free time and Mr. Hayward helps me with whatever I choose to do, whether it be horseback riding, sword practice (this is his favorite activity because he wants to learn to handle a sword. He has told me that he wants to be skilled at swordplay so can join the army in the next war), or reading quietly. His job is essentially to be my companion during these times so I am never alone.

Then is lunch time. Again we each eat at our respective locations. After lunch I usually work in my office. Therefore, Mr. Hayward has to perform other tasks. He stands on guard or sometimes does other chores around the castle.

After tea is the beginning of social engagements. My sisters always either have guests or go out. I sometimes am required to join them or go hunting with my brother and his friends. These moments are the worst of my day. I don't enjoy being with these rich, conceited dukes or lords. They just remind me of how lonely I am. It reminds me of when I was in school in England and my peers would bully me and make me feel left out. I guess a socially awkward, difficult to love person will not be accepted anywhere.

Anyways, whenever I can, I get away from the social scene. What I have taken to doing is hiding out in the woods to play violin. Yes, violin. I found a small shop in Cair Paravel City which sells hand-made wooden instruments. The old faun working there, Steven, also recommended some beginner books for me to learn. That is what I do for hours. Mr. Hayward is actually very helpful about this. If anyone calls on me during this time, he makes up an excuse for why I can't come but doesn't say that I've disappeared. He doesn't know what exactly I'm doing but he never asks. He just accepts it.

So I guess I am thankful that Mr. Hayward is here for me. But I still prefer to be alone in general, with no distractions for my mission of working to make up for my wrongs.

**A/N:** Now you guys understand the importance of Jack. Sorry it took so long for this to happen, but the first year was very eventful. From now on time will pass much more quickly.

Previous Quote Hint Explanation: Reminder, the quote was, "You are there when I most need you / You are there so constantly / You come shining through / You always do / You are always there for me." This describes Jack and Edmund's relationship. Edmund doesn't have someone who is "always there" to take care of him or just provide company until Jack arrives. Being his butler, he really is "constantly" there for Ed. You will see in later chapters that Jack is there "when I most need you."

Quote Hint for Chapter Five: "Stop right there that's exactly where I lost it / See that line, well I never should have crossed it / Stop right there, well I never should have said / That it's the very moment that I wish that / I could take back" - Relient K, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**A/N:** Here is another chapter. Please review! Enjoy!

**Jack's Diary**

March 12, 1002

Today I had an odd conversation with the King. I was organizing his office as he finished writing a letter at his desk when he put down his pen and asked me, "You come from the countryside, Mr. Hayward, do you not?"

"Yes, Sire," I replied, confused.

"Tell me, what have you heard the people there say about me?"

"Begging your pardon, but what do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, do people respect and support me, or do they think I'm a rotten traitor taking advantage of Narnia and Aslan?"

I didn't want to answer that. After all, that day, at the bar, practically everyone was against the King.

"Well, the people have various opinions. And many of them have no real opinions because they don't know anything about you, and therefore don't want to judge you."

"But those who do have an opinion, what is it?" The King was getting impatient.

"As I told you, Sire, it varies," I repeated, hoping to avoid the question.

"Sir, when your King asks a question, you must answer it truthfully. What do most people believe?"

I put my head down. "Those I talked to… seemed to be… mostly of the opinion that you should not be in power."

King Edmund tightened his jaw. "I see. Did they give reasons for this?"

"Well, they said that you would just bring Narnia problems. But I don't believe that. Sire, you were handpicked by Aslan. And I think your actions were really meant to be an example to us all, that no matter what evil things we may do, if we repent, Aslan will forgive us and love us."

"Thank you, Mr. Hayward." Then, he muttered to himself, "Nothing but problems, eh? Well, that's all the more reason to increase my workload and contribution to the country."

I don't know what exactly to make of this. All I know is that the King is a much more complex person than I had imagined. And it seems like the demons of his past haven't completely left him yet.

**Edmund's Journal**

May 28, 1002

Something else that we do with some regularity is go on raids to kill remnants of the Witch's army. Many of them still live in small groups somewhere in the forest. King Peter and I go out when we hear a rumor about one of these camps or when we have a free couple of days. We take a small group of soldiers, men and beasts, and capture or kill these people. Occasionally, I meet someone who seems to have fully repented, and I manage to convince the King to let them live.

I have just returned from one of these expeditions. It was very different from anything else I have done.

We were in the Western March, following a group of nearly forty wolves, dwarves, and hags who had raided a few nearby villages. They were one of the biggest groups we have ever seen. Peter was following the group while I and some soldiers had gone a different way, hoping to cut them off. Our plan worked, and we soon started fighting them. When they had lost half of their numbers, we expected them to surrender, nut they were determined, and they did not show any sign of submission.

Still, they didn't have a chance. We were capturing and killing them faster and faster. Suddenly, I found myself against an opponent I recognized well: Maugrim.

"We meet again, Son of Adam," he snarled.

"Maugrim!" I exclaimed. "You're alive!" I don't know why, but I had never thought it possible that Maugrim could have stayed alive while the Witch and Ginarrbrik, the other people with whom I had most interacted when I had... strayed. But then again I had never found his body, though I did look after the battle. So I should have known that the chief of the Secret Police had survived.

"Indeed I am," he replied. "Alive and well, and ready to live a long life."

"That's not going to happen," I said. "You were one of the Witch's right hand men. There's no way you will convince someone to let you live."

"Then how are you still alive? You betrayed the other Son of Adam and the Daughters of Eve to the Queen."

"I may have been a traitor once, but not now," I said with false confidence. For Maugrim had said what I had asked myself many times. I always found it odd to kill people who had once been "on my side" and I had questioned why I should not suffer the same fate.

"You seem to say that someone can completely change. That's a lie, we both know that."

"You should be flattering me, in hope that I'll spare you, not insulting me," I said coolly.

"I think you will spare me because you will realize that deep down, you wish the Queen was in power, not your brother."

"Nonsense," I replied angrily.

"It is not. You know that in your heart, Son of Adam, you want to join us once again. Just do it. You and I could gather the troops. which are much more plentiful than you may think. Thanks to your insider's knowledge of Cair Paravel, we would easily attack and defeat that boy Peter. You could be the only King of Narnia, helping the creatures that Peter hunts down and calls evil. Is he not doing exactly what he accused the Queen of? Oppressing one group and elevating another?"

"When you put it that way…" I was distraught. Maugrim was right… maybe. We were oppressing hags, werewolves, dwarves, and other creatures who typically sided with the Witch. Wasn't that discrimination as bad as the Witch's?

"With you as King, Edmund the Just, you would be able to get rid of this prejudice. So join me."

I was so tempted to. What he said made so much sense. And in that moment, I was angry at the High King much more than at Maugrim.

Suddenly a voice in me said, "Stop! Don't you see what's happening? He's tempting you. This is exactly what happened with the Witch." I knew that if I regretted it the first time, I would again the second. I couldn't let history replay itself.

So I answered, "Never. I am not like you."

He chuckled, then said, "You're one of us, Son of Adam. A crown won't change that. If you kill me, sooner or later you'll regret it because you'll see where your true loyalty lies." Maugrim spoke decisively, in a manner that frightened me.

Nonetheless, I brought down my sword and pierced his skin right through his heart. I can't explain why he didn't move away. Maybe he was so convinced I wouldn't do it that he wasn't prepared. Or maybe he knew he would die eventually and didn't want to delay the inevitable any more.

Or maybe he wanted me to keep thinking about him and to be haunted by his last words.

That's what I did the entire way home. When King Peter asked why I looked so bothered, I told him it was the shock of killing Maugrim and that I would soon be okay. But in reality, I wondered if what he said was true. Was I really on the Witch's side? If I could go back in time, would I still side with her?

I don't think I'll ever know the answer to those questions.

**Jack's Diary**

June 7, 1003

After a few years of working for the King, I learned something odd about him.

I was cleaning his room when a book fell to the ground. The title was "Violin for Beginners." Surprised, I picked it up.

Right at that moment, he entered.

"Mr. Hayward," he said.

I jumped. "Oh… Your Majesty…"

"What are you doing?"

"I was just cleaning when I saw this," I said, motioning to the book. "I didn't know you play violin."

"No one does. I started fairly recently."

"Why have I never heard… Oh, sorry. That's indiscreet. I shouldn't ask." I bit my lip. The King had never even raised his voice when speaking to me, but that question definitely overstepped my bounds. There was always a lot of formality between me and the King. He never even called me by my first name.

Surprisingly, he smiled. Just a little. But I am sure I saw it.

"When I disappear, I go into the forest and play. At first, I would try to play scales and basic pieces from this book. Now I have started composing my own music too."

I was amazed. I would never have imagined that the King would be a musician.

"Oh… wow." I hesitated shortly. "Do you think I could hear you play something?"

The King pondered this, then said, "Come with me."

We went downstairs and left the castle. The King led me through the woods to a small clearing. Here, he reached into a hole in a tree and drew out his instrument. My heart was beating fast. Was this the same King who was known for being alone and never spending more time in public than necessary? Was he really going to play for me music he invented, thus letting me into the innermost parts of his soul?

The music started soft. I could barely hear it. But as he played, he seemed to forget I was there, and soon the rich melodious sounds of the violin filled the clearing and I forgot where I was.

After what felt like only a few seconds but must have been much longer, he stopped playing. The last few notes hung in the air. He put the violin down and we both looked at each other silently.

"What did you think?" he finally asked.

"It was simply amazing." I couldn't say any more than that.

"I know I have not been the most welcoming or talkative of masters," he said. "I want to take this opportunity to say that I really do appreciate everything you do for me, even if I don't tend to show it."

I was very relieved to hear that. I had often wondered what the King thought of me.

"Thank you, Sir," I replied. Then, on a whim, I blurted out, "Why do you always keep to yourself?" I immediately blushed. I couldn't believe that I had just said that.

"Why do you want to know?" the King replied, annoyed. I was mad at myself. The only moment of - I don't even know if this is the correct word to describe this - friendship that we had had was gone.

"I just want to know if there's any way I can help you… I am fully at your service and willing to do anything you need. I just can't do that because I know so little about you even after having spent all these months with you." That was an honest answer.

The King seemed lost for words. "I… Are you really concerned about me? Not just because of your job?"

"Yes, Sire," I replied simply.

"Well, in that case I will share the truth with you. But not now. It's time for us to go back to Cair Paravel. My brother will be mad if I miss our meeting."

I was smiling the entire way back, and I had a spring in my step as I did the rest if my tasks. No one had ever confided in me before. I grew up pretty lonely. There were no other children in the neighboring farms, so I have never had a friend. I am not good at connecting with people because the only interaction of people I saw was what I read in novels. Still, I always wanted to have friends to share secrets with.

And today the King opened up to me.

**A/N:** As you can see, Jack too is a lonely boy in need someone who will be "always there" for him. That's why he and Edmund match so well, and why Edmund let Jack in by playing violin for him, which is his source of comfort and happiness. I loved writing this part, it gave me goosebumps just imagining these two teenagers, so similar yet so different, in a clearing, with one playing violin for a mesmerized audience.

Previous Quote Hint Explanation: Reminder, the quote was, "Stop right there that's exactly where I lost it / See that line, well I never should have crossed it / Stop right there, well I never should have said / That it's the very moment that I wish that / I could take back." This is the perfect description of Edmund being tempted by Maugrim. He fell back into his old way of thinking for just a second, and that nearly made him lose everything he had gained. It was a scary moment for him, being put in a similar situation to the one which ruined everything last time.

Quote Hint for Chapter Six: "I'm sorry that I hurt you / It's something I must live with every day / And all the pain I put you through / I wish that I could take it all away" - Hoobastank, "The Reason"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

**A/N:** This next chapter is one I really enjoyed writing. Enjoy!

**Edmund's Journal**

March 26, 1004

Today, Queen Lucy decided that I must go with her to a rural area to help those in need.

Of course I am happy that I will get to help others. But at the same time, I have the same pit in my stomach that I have before any social activity. Also, every second I spend here is one that I don't spend working to be as good a King as I can.

When I set foot in the town, I was struck with pity. There was so much poverty around me.

Children were running in the streets half-naked, and women were coming out of their houses to meet us, their clothes filthy and their bony figures showing that they hadn't had a good meal in a long time. They called out to their children to come back to their sides.

"Your Majesties, welcome," exclaimed the woman who appeared to be the leader. "We sent someone to get the men of the village, who are currently working in the fields. They will be here soon."

"Thank you," replied my sister. "We are glad that we have this opportunity to visit you. We have some food for you, and doctors if you need them. Why don't you all go back to your houses, and my brother and I will go around to see what we can do for you."

There was a lot of commotion as people all rushed to obey their Queen.

"Sire, you start from the west side, and I'll start from the east," said the Queen. I nodded my agreement.

I entered a house on the border of the town. A young man and woman with a baby were inside.

"Oh... King Edmund... hello," said the man, visibly displeased.

I clenched my jaw, annoyed that even as I make efforts to connect with people, they refuse to look past my mistakes.

I gave them food and a few tools, then left the doctor with the baby. The servants and I went outside to the next home. In the street, I thought I heard a whispered "help" from inside an alley.

"Keep going, I'll catch up with you," I told the others. "Mr. Veryl, stay with me." Mr. Veryl was a young servant who was glad to be helpful any way he could.

I headed down the alleyway and found... a little boy. He couldn't have been more than five years old. He was emaciated and weak, and when he saw me he staggered forward, then fell on the ground, his legs unable to support even his tiny frame.

I knelt down next to him and helped him sit up.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm cold. I haven't eaten in a week. Please, help me." He could barely speak, and I realized he was probably about to die.

"I will get you some food. Just hold on a little more." I turned and saw Mr. Veryl behind me, pale, unsure about what to do. "Get some food. And a doctor. Hurry. He doesn't have long."

Mr. Veryl rushed off. I was left with the boy. He had closed his eyes and laid down. I was afraid that he would never get up again.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Benjamin," he replied, barely moving his lips as he spoke.

"Benjamin. Where are your parents? If you tell me where they are, I'll get them for you."

"No." He said this forcefully, or as forcefully as he could. "Stay with me, Mr… I don't know your name."

"Edmund. My name is Edmund." But tell me, where are your parents?"

"I never knew my mom. Dad said she's in a better place."

"And your dad?"

"He died. Or so the neighbors told me."

I was filled with sadness. This poor boy… he was alone. And so young.

I saw he had closed his eyes again. I needed to keep the conversation going. If he let go, just for a second, he would die.

"Do you know how?"

"In the war. He was very brave. But the White Witch's men killed him."

The Witch. It was her. But why did the war happen. Because of me. Because I was on the Witch's side and helped her rather than helping Aslan kill her earlier.

"Wait, your name is Edmund?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered absentmindedly, wondering how long it would be until someone came with food.

"That's the name of our King. He's a good man. They all are. They want to help us. With them in power, I will be fine soon."

I didn't realize the tears were in my eyes until later.

At the time, all I saw was his eyes blink feebly. His mouth opened, as if he wanted to say something else, but his head just rolled to the side and he stopped moving.

"King Edmund! I'm here!" I heard Mr. Veryl shout. He had bread and water with him, and a doctor was following in his footsteps.

But he was late. A few minutes had cost Benjamin his life.

On the ride home, Queen Lucy asked me, "Was that as bad as you thought it was going to be?"

_It was worse_, I wanted to yell, but I couldn't tell her about this. She would say I was being silly and overreacting. "No, it wasn't. You were right to bring me, Madam," I answered.

She smiled, then started telling me about some of the people she had met and how nice they were and how sad it was that this happened to them. I nodded and pretended to be interested, but really, how could I be? This was just so difficult to deal with.

Now it is the middle of the night. I am pacing around my room. It had been so long since I last experienced a sleepless night, but this day is just too much. I need time to deal.

I can't close my eyes without seeing his pale face, his lifeless expression, and his dead eyes which are a characteristic of someone who experienced much more than any boy should. I am haunted by him, his situation, his words… And I can't help thinking that if I had just gone with the Queen quicker, without complaining, I could've gotten food to him in time. It was a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds, that I wasted and that can never be recovered because they cost an innocent his life.

It all brings back painful reminders that my past mistakes cannot ever be totally forgotten because I hurt the lives of many people.

Also, I feel like I deceived him. When he told me what his impression of "King Edmund" was, it all sounded so… positive. He thought so highly of me when I had directly caused his suffering. If I hadn't sided with the Witch and caused the devastating war, his dad would be alive and he wouldn't have struggled to get food and water. Most people can't say that I did anything to them personally, yet as Mr. Hayward once confirmed for me, the general consensus is that people hate me. But this boy… he had reason to hate me for what I did to his dad, but he spoke about me like an idol. That made me sick.

I know I can't fix the wrong I did to this boy. And all my hard work, in the justice system and in foreign affairs, it helps the entire population, that's for sure, but it isn't going to really affect the life of someone who is already going to die from malnourishment because the person who provides for him or her was killed by the Witch. And it is those people to whom I owe the largest debt.

So I have made a decision. I am going to start a charity movement to provide food and housing to those whose poverty is due to the war. The poor already get money from us in a program that Queen Susan runs. But I need to ask her to make a program to help those I hurt. In the name of those who died for us, their families deserve more. I will call this "The Benjamin Initiative."

I can't go to Susan now. It's the middle of the night. But in the meantime, I still can't sleep. I'm too emotional. So I am going to go into the woods and play violin. That will relax and comfort me.

**Jack's Diary**

July 30, 1004

This afternoon, I was on my way to see the King when a messenger came up to me. "Jack, come with me," he said.

"Why?" I asked. "I have to do something now. Can this wait?"

"No. His Majesty doesn't like to be kept waiting."

This confused me. Why would King Edmund send a messenger? He is who I was going to see. I followed the man, but he led me to a different wing of the castle. I knew that this was where High King Peter lived and worked, but I had never been there. He stopped in front of a half-open door and told me, "Go right in, he is expecting you."

I walked in and found myself in an office with King Peter sitting at the desk.

"Ah, Mr. Hayward, welcome. May I call you Jack?"

"Yes, of course," I answered. "Why am I here?"

"Have a seat," replied the King.

"Listen, Your Majesty, meaning no disrespect, I need to go see King Edmund. He is waiting…"

"Don't forget, Jack, that no matter what King Edmund wants, if I am dissatisfied with you, I can terminate your work in this castle."

That shut me up better than anything else he could've said. I loved this job and would be devastated if I lost it. "What do you need, Sire?"

"Tell me about the King," he said simply.

I had no idea what he wanted to know. "Um, Sire, I don't understand. What do you want to know? And why? Isn't his life private? Shouldn't I protect his privacy?"

"Your response shows your integrity, but let me assure you, I am not asking this to invade my brother's privacy. It's because I am worried about him?"

"Why?" I was surprised at this. I definitely thought the King was odd, but up until then I wasn't worried about him. I thought it was just his character.

"He is so solitary. He has no close friends. He doesn't participate in social engagements unless he has to. I want to know what he does during that time. Does he drink? Do drugs? Does he have a mistress?"

"No, no, not at all," I answered. "He works a lot. He reads. He rides in the woods, practices swordplay, and sometimes…" I paused. I didn't think the King's musical talent was something I should share with his brother. "Sometimes he just goes for a walk in the woods or on the beach," I finished lamely.

The High King looked at me suspiciously. "Really? So I have no real cause for concern?"

"No Sire," I answered.

"Alright. I hope you are telling the truth, for your sake as well as for the King's?"

I was unnerved by the threat. The information I had left out was not something that I believed would alarm the High King, but if he was suspicious of me or if he found out about the violin… he could fire me.

"I assure you, I am being truthful," I replied simply.

"Well, then I have no reason to keep you. You may go." I stood up. "Oh, actually, Jack, one more thing," he added.

"Yes?"

"If anything…happens… that you think needs my attention, please don't hesitate to come here. If I am not here, the door will almost certainly be locked, and you can slide a note under it. I will then contact you at my earliest convenience."

"Of course, Your Majesty."

As I left the King's office, I resolved to keep a closer eye on King Edmund so that if he ever had a problem, I would know about it. I don't know if I would tell the High King, but I would at least offer my assistance to King Edmund.

**A/N:** Hmm, Peter is getting suspicious… and Edmund was hurt in a more direct way than ever before. What effect do you think this will have on him?

Previous Quote Hint Explanation: Reminder, the quote was, "I'm sorry that I hurt you / It's something I must live with every day / And all the pain I put you through / I wish that I could take it all away." This refers simply to what Edmund would say to Benjamin. He would love to go back in time and change his actions to "take it all away" and spare Benjamin the harsh life he had to live and his early death. Also, Edmund clearly has to "live with [it] every day" because of his promise to work hard to make up for his mistakes. He also never feels at ease because other people haven't yet changed their opinion of him. Right now, he sees his biggest problem as being that he ruined other people's lives, and that is why people deserve to hate him.

Quote Hint for Chapter Seven: "If you could turn back the hands, if you could make the tape play back / Why would you live again if you could do it over" - Blake, "Rewind"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

**A/N:** I can't believe I'm about to say this, but this is the before-last chapter. Somehow this chapter almost wrote itself. I just started typing and the words kept coming. I hope you enjoy it.

Warning: I know that the rating should already have warned you, but this chapter will have darker themes in it.

**Edmund's Journal**

February 7, 1005

I can't explain what I am feeling now. All the progress I made, all the acceptance and contentment I had built... it's gone. Now I feel like the same ten year old boy who couldn't control himself and who wanted to kill his family. Can you believe it? I WANTED TO KILL THEM.

Benjamin haunts me. I see his face all the time. And the fund I asked Queen Susan to set up, it's working. But it doesn't change anything for Benjamin. I still killed one person.

This afternoon, I was in my room, and I don't know why, but I took off my shirt and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw the faint white traces of the scars of my injuries from all those years ago.

This one was from when Ginarrbrik tied the rope too tight around my wrists.

This one was when he whipped me.

This was when the Witch slapped me.

This was when Maugrim scratched me.

This was when I fell and a dead branch impaled me.

And this was when she stabbed me with her wand. This scar is larger and still has a dull red color. I pressed my finger to it and it hurts, but it's nowhere close to the pain I felt then.

I deserve to feel that pain again. I knew that. So I went downstairs to the kitchens.

The cooks and other servants who were relaxing in the kitchen all stood and curtseyed, all except one. He was a young stable boy, an arrogant child. I was just so full of emotion that I did the thing I always swore I would never do. I acted without thinking.

"Stand up before your King," I ordered harshly.

The other servants stood aside, not wishing to get involved.

"No," said the boy.

"Is that how you address a monarch?" I demanded.

"It is if I don't recognize you as my King."

The servants gasped.

"Ask for forgiveness now and I will still grant it to you," I said. "But be warned, I will punish you otherwise."

"I will never apologize to you." I knew he was just trying to provoke me, but I couldn't help but yearn to fight him with a sword and show him I deserved respect. After all, I knew some people in Cair Paravel doubted my power, but no one said it to my face. Until now.

"What's your name, Sir?" I asked.

"Why do you care? So you can say my name when you kill me like you plot on doing to anyone who crosses you? That's true and you know it, you no good lowly traitor."

"You talk big, but I haven't heard you actually make a challenge. What shall it be?"

"A nice old-fashioned fist fight. I will show you that you can be beaten, Edmund."

I was shocked. "Tell me your name so I can know who I am up against."

"Samuel Yates."

"Well, Sir Yates, let us begin."

He immediately lunged forward and hit me. I retaliated by punching him in the stomach. We continued trading punches until I saw an opportunity. I faked a head shot and took his legs out from under him. I put my knee on his chest to keep him down and whispered, "Be glad I'm feeling generous. You could have gotten worse. Now clear out."

He left without another word, and the servants who had witnessed this left as well.

It was only when they were all gone that I remembered my goal. Quickly, for I feared someone would return, I went over to the knife cabinet and took one out. It was not one of the largest ones, so I hoped no one would notice its absence. But it was large enough to cut deeply.

As I walked back to my room I thought I heard a roar, but I was too preoccupied to go investigate. I dropped off the knife, hiding it under my mattress, then returned to where I had heard this roar. There was nothing there, so I assumed I had imagined it.

Now I am in my room with the door locked. I know what I need to do. I just need to find the courage to do it.

The blood flows down my arm. It is warm to the touch and stains the paper I am writing on as it drips down. The pain... it wasn't what I expected. I mean, of course it hurt, but it was a sharp pain that lasted just an instant. Then it was gone. But the pain of those I hurt wasn't gone that quickly. Neither was the pain when I first got that scar.

So I need to reopen all my scars.

I deserve to feel the pain that everyone else felt when I betrayed Narnia. They deserve to make me feel that pain. But they are afraid of doing so because I am now a King. So I must do it myself.

I just opened a huge scar that Ginarrbrik made along my chest while playing with his knife. This one was incredibly painful. I fell to the ground and couldn't get up for a few minutes after doing it. Now I only have one left to remake.

The stab wound.

Daylight is filtering through the window. I have been lying on the ground in a pool of blood. Any movement is painful. But I need to get up and clean this up before Mr. Hayward comes.

I will need to be very careful. No one can see me in short sleeves or shirtless. I usually sleep shirtless so that's something I must modify. I can't let Mr. Hayward see. And I must hide the knife where he will not accidentally find it.

It is an hour later. The blood on the ground is gone, the knife is clean, and I am clothed and pretending to work at my desk. Mr. Hayward will be here any minute.

**Jack's Diary**

October 24, 1005

I had noticed that the King was acting odd. He had begun sleeping fully clothed, even in long sleeves… and he spent more time working in his room rather than his office. When I cleaned his room, he tensed up and watched me, though he tried to make it appear as if he wasn't.

I, therefore, observed him closely, and I had an unshakable feeling that something was wrong. The King seemed more tired, more sad, and even more closed off than usual. I almost went to King Peter to tell him, but I was afraid that he would just call me paranoid and say these behaviors weren't odd for his brother. So I stayed put.

But today, I learned that I was right.

Queen Susan wanted to introduce King Edmund to a young lady she is friends with. I thought that doing this was silly. The King had never paid attention to any woman that I know of, and I can't imagine that he would start with the Queen's friend. But I went to find him.

He was not in his office, so I headed to his room, knocked, then opened.

I realize that this was impolite. I should have waited for him to tell me to come in. But I am so glad I didn't.

The King was changing. He was wearing just his boxers, standing near the closet to pick out clothes. And his arms, legs, and chest… they were covered with bright red scars and specks of dried blood.

"Mr. Hayward!" The King was shocked and angry.

"What… what is this?" I asked.

"You will not tell anyone about this," he ordered sternly.

"Your Majesty, begging your pardon, but what are you doing?" I asked. I knew the answer already, but I needed him to say it to believe it. It's not every day you catch your leader just after he cut himself.

"Just leave."

"No, not until I have an explanation."

"You will not get one. You have no reason to know anything about my personal life."

"No! Listen to me. Why are you doing this to yourself?" I yelled, losing control of my words.

"You cannot understand anything about me. So just forget you saw this."

"Why can't I understand? Because I'm a lowly servant and you're a high and mighty King? Well, Sire, let me tell you, you are still a human being, and we all have the feelings, the same emotions, the same blood flowing through our veins!"

"Be quiet. I don't want to talk to you now."

"Why? So you can run away from your problems and keep on cutting yourself as some sort of bizarre coping mechanism? You need to do something. You can either talk to me or I will call the High King and tell him what's happening!"

This made him calm down.

"Don't tell His Majesty. Please. I'm begging you," he said.

"Then explain this to me." I could hardly believe that I was daring to defy the King like this…

"You heard what I did when I was first in Narnia," he began. I cannot try to write the story he told me. He told me that he thought he was responsible for everyone affected in the war and how recently, he had started being unsettled, depressed, and guilty because of this. And he somehow felt relief by inflicting physical pain on himself, as if it lessened his mental pain. And of course he chose to use the many injuries he had had back then as the location for these cuts. The symbolism if reopening the wounds somehow appealed to him.

I have to admit, I still cannot understand how he got to this point. I had a million things I wanted to say, questions I wanted to ask, but I tried to condense my response to the following.

"I get that you messed up, but Aslan has obviously forgiven you, and many people have as well. Those who haven't are in the wrong. I don't get why you can't forgive yourself. You were given so much. You have servants, a huge palace, a family that loves you, enough food for a King (no pun intended), and most Narnian men would love to be you." I was starting to raise my voice as I said this. "Meanwhile my family loves on practically nothing, and I know many people and animals that have literally nothing. Yet you want to throw it all away. You are ruining your life by hurting yourself and living in isolation when you should be GRATEFUL." By now I was screaming. "And you can hang me for my disrespect, but Your Majesty, you are acting like an immature child, not a wise King. You are arguably the smartest of your family, yet in this matter you are being stupid. You are King Edmund the Just, yet you cannot be just with yourself. You need to change this now before you have harmed yourself at the point of no return."

The King said nothing for a little while. He just turned away from me. When he faced me again, he had tears in his eyes.

"You think I am a spoiled brat who doesn't deserve my good fortune. You are right. There is no reason why your parents are farmers while I don't have to work for anything. And I cannot be grateful as you suggest. I didn't do anything to earn my good fortune. However, I cannot give up what I have. So I must punish myself in a different way. You haven't felt the life seep out of a child in your arms because you made a series of mistakes. You cannot know the guilt I carry. Each cut I make frees me from a tiny fraction of that guilt. So I understand your concern, but I will not stop."

"I cannot allow that, Sire," I replied in desperation. "I guess I have no choice but to find the knife and remove it."

"You will do no such thing," he said, but I saw his eyes dart to a drawer of his dresser. I ran over, opened it, moved a few shirts, and found the knife. The King made a move to grab it, but I got it first.

"Sire, let me leave. I hate saying this, but I have a weapon."

He seemed to be weighing his options. I afraid that he would arrive at the conclusion as me, which was that even if I had a knife, he could surely beat me in a fight. I just bolted to the door and ran out before he had a chance to move.

I ran straight to King Peter's office. The valet stopped me at the door, saying the King was in a meeting.

"It's an emergency!" I yelled.

"You can speak to Queen Susan, Queen Lucy, or King Edmund if it is really that urgent," he answered. "Right now you must wait to speak to the High King."

I just sat down on the ground next to the door, determined to speak to the High King as soon as possible.

Soon after I sat down, I heard an odd noise… almost a roar, coming from down the hallway. My first instinct was to follow the noise, but then, I realized I might miss my chance to talk to the High King. So I stayed put.

**A/N:** Previous Quote Hint Explanation: Reminder, the quote was, "If you could turn back the hands, if you could make the tape play back / Why would you live again if you could do it over." Edmund gets excessively self-consumed in regret and pain in this chapter. He wants nothing more than to turn back time and change all these events that have happened since he got to Narnia.

Quote Hint for Chapter Eight: "You have suffered enough / And warred with yourself / It's time that you won" - Josh Groban, "Falling Slowly"


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

**A/N:** I can't believe this story is over already… it seems like publishing it went so fast compared to the time it took to develop, write, and revise it. The first entry of this chapter was by far the hardest to write. There was so much I wanted and needed to write and organizing it was difficult. Eventually I realized that this shouldn't be organized, it is an outlet of Edmund's jumbled thoughts. As a result, there is a section that is difficult to follow. There will be three asterisks marking off author's notes at the beginning and end to explain how it is "organized." Enjoy!

**Edmund's Journal**

October 24, 1005

Mr. Hayward just left. I fear he will tell the High King what I did. I don't know how I feel about that. One part of me wants the secret to be out so that I can get some sort of recognition and so those who hate me can have more respect for me. Another part is afraid of my family's reaction.

I'm so confused. I have, up until just now, been able to keep control if my life. People knew only what I wanted them to know about me, and my days were pretty much devoted to work. Now... now my brother is going to find out one of my deepest secrets. I know what this means. I need to take radical action.

I feel like an outsider wherever I am. At parties, I am always on the sidelines, looking at people enjoying themselves, laughing, and dancing while I am counting down the minutes until freedom.

In my family, I always have to hide my true state of mind. They are always so happy... ever since our coronation, they haven't experienced any real problems, hence why people have been calling our reign the Golden Age. I feel obligated to give them no problems, so I never tell them when I am feeling depressed. They think that the problems we used to have are ancient history, and I could never bring myself to ruin that.

Additionally, I feel less close to them than in the past. When we were in England, we called each other by our first names. Then, after a few years here, it became "Sire" or "Madam." Still later, we switched to "King" or "Queen." And now, we only call each other "Your Majesty." How did my best friends became so distant from me? I can't remember the last time Susan ruffled my hair, Lucy hugged me, or Peter joked around with me. Even last month, when we celebrated my sixteenth birthday, they invited many people over for tea but didn't actually talk to me very much.

I don't know what the point of living is. My family is distant from me. I have no close friends. My subjects are divided between those who wish I was dead and those who have blind and ill-advised respect for me. I don't know which is worse. And there are very few things that make me happy. Being with my family is stressful. So is working, as I am always afraid of messing up and hurting yet another person. I am truly happy when I play my violin. The music is an escape for me.

Also, I enjoy my conversations with Mr. Hayward. I have been honest with him multiple times, especially about why I cut myself. In a way, he's constantly been here for me, even though my siblings have not. He is, in all practical senses of the term, the closest family I have here.

But I don't treat my family very well, do I? So, will I eventually hurt Mr. Hayward as well? Or will I not, because I already defeated the Witch?

_***How to read: This section will have 3 sections, with each paragraph jumping from one section to another.***_

Speaking of her, was Maugrim right? Am I miserable now because I would rather be with the Witch, because I miss her? No. It can't be.

I hate myself. I mean, I sold out the only people who cared about me. I was bullied at school, so I wanted, I needed, to feel important at home. I still do, which is part of why I do this crazy work-all-the-time idea. Anyways, they loved me, but I hated them for treating me like the child that I was, so I relished the Witch's attention and decided I wanted that from everyone, forever. Deep down, I knew she would hurt them when I brought them to her. But I pushed that aside, claiming to myself that I couldn't know that and she was too nice when I had seen an evil glint in her eyes as she talked about them.

There is a piece of music in my violin book. It is the music to a song, and the lyrics say that in death, all is put back in place.

Maybe he was right. But if I do want the Witch back, doesn't that make me evil?

And why is King Peter even the High King? Susan isn't the High Queen. So she's not better than Lucy but Peter is better than me? I work more than him, I'm a better politician. Sure, he's a better general, but I'm not far behind. Maybe Aslan doesn't trust me as much as my siblings but I had to be crowned because of that damn prophecy.

I wish I knew my place.

I can't be evil. I work so hard to help Narnia.

Veronica said that she was innocent. Was she? I mean, she had no history of misdoings. Did I condemn her because she didn't like me or because she deserved it? Have I been making wrong judgments all these years? Am I even good at what I do?

Is it true? Will I find my place in death?

Why did I start this extreme, tireless work? Wasn't it to make people respect me and like me?

The cuts aren't even a big enough punishment. I mean, I killed Benjamin and others. So don't I deserve to die as well? Then Aslan can punish me the way I deserve.

What happens after death? People say you go to Aslan, but would that even happen to an evil person?

So I am a fraud. I act good and kind and helpful and just, but it's all to keep public support since the Witch's side turned out to be the losing side.

I also hurt the squirrels. They had to restart their entire lives because of me. They are now tracked, marked, wounded, and forgotten by most people.

No, Aslan will not take someone evil.

I'm evil. There are no two ways to say it. Only an evil person would have betrayed his family.

Why hasn't Aslan even helped me? He has been completely absent from my life since the coronation. Maybe I'm not worthy of his help.

So if I die, I will be in my place.

I'm a hypocrite and a coward. Nearly all the Witch's minions at least remained faithful to her. But I crawled back to Aslan and escaped my punishment.

I'm so angry at him. The "Great" Lion has abandoned me in life.

It's odd. I'm not afraid of dying. It must be because I'm a soldier. I have been near death many times. It's natural. Maybe it's my time to die.

I'm disgusting.

Even Aslan has lost faith in me and knows I'm not worthy of my life.

The more I think about it, the more I almost want to die. To be free from the weight of the world and the question of my true nature. But could I take my own life?

_***More detailed explanation: the first section (paragraphs 1, 4, etc…) was about Maugrim's last words, which were that Edmund really is evil. Edmund thinks about this and decides that yes, he is evil. The second section is somewhat miscellaneous. He talks about how he feels about Peter, Veronica, the cuts, the squirrels, and Aslan abandoning him. The third section is about a piece of music about finding your place in death which makes Edmund toy with, then become serious about, the idea of killing himself.***_

I want to be understood. I want to be loved. But I give up. It'll never happen.

I'm gonna end my shitty life.

I will jump out my window. It's pretty high up, so it will definitely kill me, either on impact or within a few minutes because of the bleeding.

No one will even care. My siblings will be rid of an anti-social, annoying, selfish prig. The Narnians will be rid of a terrible leader who shouldn't be in charge of picking out his own clothes, let alone a kingdom. And Aslan will be rid of the silly boy he saved for no good reason and was forced to put in power.

I'm nothing more than a lousy bastard who did good things to trick everyone, including myself, into thinking I'm good.

There is only one thing that matters: I wanted to kill them.

**Jack's Diary**

October 24, 1005

When King Peter came out, I was waiting for him. "Your Majesty, please!"

"Yes, Jack, what is it?"

"It's the King. He… I… please come." The High King immediately followed me. As we raced through the palace to King Edmund's room. I opened the door… and no one was there. "Your Majesty?" I asked.

King Peter walked in and shouted, "King Edmund! Come out!" There was no response.

Then I noticed something odd. The window was open. It hadn't been open when we argued. I know because I had thought it was unbearably stuffy.

Thoughts raced through my head. "He's not here. Did he run away? Is that my fault? Will he ever come back?" I let King Peter open the door to the bathroom while I approached the window slowly. I put my head out… and saw a bloody and mangled, yet unmistakably human, form at the foot of the wall. It was a considerable distance from the base of the wall, and I understood, without a doubt, that the King had jumped.

"Sire," I said simply. "Please come here." Usually, when someone sees a dead body, they scream, but doing so would be an insult to the great King. After all, the main emotion I felt then was not revulsion or surprise, but rather deep sadness and guilt.

The High King stifled a yell when he saw his brother's body. Then, he ran out of the room and down the stairs and passages to the garden. "Get my sisters!" he yelled to a valet who was walking in the other direction. The servant obeyed immediately.

I followed the King outside to where King Edmund lay. King Peter fell to his knees, sobbing, and took his brother's hand to check for a pulse. Of course, he knew as well as I did that he could not be alive. But he could still cling to that desperate hope.

It is only when I saw his face, with his eyes open and staring at the sky, yet cold and emotionless, that the fact that he was dead sunk in. I realized then that I would never again wake him up, accompany him places, pass on messages, or hear his occasional personal confessions. I realized how much every single one of those moments had meant to me, and how much I would miss him.

The two Queens came out, and they started sobbing with their brother. I suddenly felt out of place. They were King Edmund's siblings, they were royalty, they deserved to mourn him alone. So I took one last look at him, the tortured King who worked so hard to make up for something that his heart would never forget, the just King who deserved much more out of life that what he gave himself credit for. Then I turned away and walked slowly to my room.

I sat down on my bed and started thinking about how someone could be pushed to take his own life, especially someone who, in appearance, has everything. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how scrutinized he felt, how he knew that everyone was looking not only at his actions as King, but also at his betrayal, and that they would weigh the two to see whether they approved of him. I realized that he had tremendous pressure and would be afraid of any failure, no matter how tiny. I realized that he basically isolated himself to not have to deal with the people who hurt him and whom he hurt.

Then I wondered: did I push him over the edge? Literally? As awful as it sounds, at least he was getting relief from the cutting, and perhaps he could have outgrown it by himself. But I made him make a quick decision, and he obviously was unprepared emotionally at that point. If I hadn't threatened to go see the High King, maybe he would still be alive now.

What if I had told King Peter earlier about the odd behavior King Edmund was displaying? Could that have changed anything?

What if I had been more attentive, more caring, toward him?

I thought about the conversation we had a few years ago about what people thought about him. What if I had lied to him? Would that have changed something?

Then, I thought that everything I had done to him and for him had been proper according to normal master-servant etiquette. But the line between being proper and being helpful is unclear at times. Did I always stay on the correct side?

The more I thought back to the few years we spent together and all the moments we shared, the clearer it became to me that I have only become attached to one person in my life, and he was my boss and monarch, a man who was even more solitary than I am, a man who never even called me by my first name.

It is now nearly nighttime. I have been holed up in my room all day. But now, I want to see Queen Susan. I don't think anyone other than me knows that King Edmund kept a journal. I would sometimes see him write in it, always looking very solemn and concentrated. But his siblings don't know why he did this to himself. They deserve to know. The journal will give them the answers they want. And I think Queen Susan is just the person to read through the bulk of information and pick out the important parts to share with her family.

Also, I am going to give her my diary. Maybe my perspective can help her as well. Anything that can be done to help the King's memory live on truthfully, I will do.

Susan looked up from the diaries, with tears in her eyes once again. She was not the only one. Lucy was shaking from her sobs and had buried her head in Peter's chest. Peter's eyes were red and his shirt sleeve was wet from wiping up so many tears.

"It's awful," he said. "Poor Ed. And I had no idea…"

"Nobody did…" answered Susan. "Because we left him on his own. We didn't care for him like siblings. This is all our fault."

"At least Jack was there," said Lucy. "I mean, Ed hardly seemed to find comfort from being with us, at least not at the end… but with Jack… he opened up to him about the violin. He really cared about him."

"He did," agreed Peter. "They were two people in need of a friend, and they became each other's friend without even realizing it."

"Oh, we need to go thank him," said Lucy.

"Yes, let's," replied Susan.

The trio knocked on Jack's door soon afterwards. He opened it. His hair was disheveled, he had dark circles under his eyes from spending a full night awake, and his clothes were wrinkled and still bloody. "Oh, Your Majesties. Come in."

"Call us Peter, Susan, and Lucy," said Lucy.

"Miss, I couldn't."

"You must," added Susan. "We are in your debt."

"Um, and why is this?" asked Jack.

"You helped Edmund so much," explained Peter. "I know you don't realize that, but reading what he said about you… you were family to him. So now you are family to us."

Susan suddenly felt the urge to hug Jack, and her siblings joined in. Suddenly a voice resounded behind them. "Children."

"Aslan!" exclaimed the Pevensies.

"Oh Aslan, why did this have to happen?" asked Lucy, running to hug the Great Lion. "Why couldn't Edmund forgive himself?"

"You cannot know someone else's story, my dear. Not even a diary can explain why Edmund was so hard on himself."

"What will happen to him, Aslan?" asked Peter, who believed strongly in Aslan's country and hoped his brother's sin would not keep him out of it.

"That is not for you to know. What I am here to do it to speak to you, Jack."

"Me? Why?"

"You blame yourself, I know, for his death."

"Sir, if I had done something, if I had helped him, he could be here with us now. Also, I realize this now… the roar I heard outside the High King's office… it was you, wasn't it? If I had followed you maybe I would have gotten to the King in time."

"You could only delay the inevitable. It is not your fault. And about the roaring, I roared to Edmund as well, but he did not come to me. I give you all a warning," he said, turning to face them all. "Edmund was plagued by guilt. Don't do the same. Don't follow his path."

"We won't," answered the four teenagers.

"Lastly, know that he loved you all dearly. His last words before jumping were 'I wanted to kill them.'"

**A/N:** There it is. I apologize for killing off Edmund. But I needed to do it. I wouldn't have been content with the story any other way. Still, I love Edmund. Please don't read this story and think that this is what I wish had happened. I admire Edmund so much, and I think it shows tremendous courage and perseverance on his part that he did not end up like this.

There is a quote in Edmund's entry, "I want to be understood. I want to be loved. But I give up," which is loosely based on Josh Groban's "You Are Loved." The real words are "Everybody wants to be understood / Everybody wants to be loved / Don't give up." All credit for my change goes to this amazing singer and songwriter.

Previous Quote Hint Explanation: Reminder, the quote was, "You have suffered enough / And warred with yourself / It's time that you won." Edmund had suffered so much throughout the story. He had internal battles, "warred with yourself," all the time. He needed a release, some extreme action that would let him win, which was long overdue. Unfortunately, he decided that death was this release, this victory.

One last thing: I strongly believe that the individual is the harshest judge. That is one of the key points I used to make the story. Even if the entire world forgave Edmund, asking him to forgive himself is entirely different because he can never forget what happened. He can only try to endure.

Please review, and tell me how you felt about the story, the ending, the characters, anything.


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